Late September thoughts....

•  I've gotten lost numerous times while driving around my new neighborhood this past summer; the usual stuff, nothing serious.  I sort of like getting lost, actually - and amazingly enough, I ended up once at a real Christian Hermitage.  I drove in and around it, and saw a sister there doing some work.  We waved at each other, silently.  
  
  Here are some snaps of the place, from the car:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• I really do want to start a Christian monastic or neo-monastic community of some kind; I lean. myself, towards the cloistered version, in the country, centered around a farm.  I want it to exist primarily for prayer and the worship of God, open to those who need help and a place to rest in God.  I personally think the world really needs this kind of thing at the moment; everybody's really busy with do, do, do - when I think what we actually need is be, be, be (i.e., pray, pray, pray).
• And now I have another idea.  For years, I've thought it would be fantastic to build small communities with a farm at their centers; this would preserve farmland, give people a healthy atmopshere in which to live, and the farm's harvest crops could be distributed among the community.  The people living there - and their kids - could work on the farm if they so chose.   I think this would work very well with a monastic community running the farm; all the same ideas would apply - and there would be, in addition, prayer available every day, for those who wished to join the community in Divine Service.  Wouldn't that be great?   Monks and/or nuns of the community would be silent, mostly, for our own benefit - or perhaps there could be two groups of religious: one silent, one interacting with the world.
• I'm now singing again in the choir on Sundays, after a long break from doing that.  The last time I was in a choir it was just no fun at all:  bullying and disdain from the other singers - many had had some formal training in music - or thought they did, or was married to someone who had - which made them utterly insufferable - made it a really unpleasant way to spend time, so I quit.   This new choir is composed of exactly three members, plus a leader and an organist - and the organist will be retiring in two weeks.  It's much more fun this way.  We sing simple songs - sometimes hymns from the 1982 - and just basically try to keep everything on pitch.  Much, much better.
• I've also signed up for the 4th year of EFM; my last group dissolved and it, too, had stopped being fun.  There's no point at all in doing any of these things if they're neither interesting nor enjoyable. 
• I joined the local Y and am doing cardio and yoga.  Went to a class I thought was "Gentle Yoga," but was actually "Multi-level Yoga," and there was nothing gentle about it.  I decided to do Yoga because a friend of mine has been doing it for about 50 years; she's 20 years older than me and in much better shape.  She's been teaching me a little over the past few years, but I really need to actually learn the poses and exercises; doing it once in a while just doesn't cut it.  Yoga is amazing, because you think you're not really doing anything at all - and yet you're completely exhausted by the end of the session.  Looking forward to getting a routine going.
• Also have joined a local Centering Prayer group.  I forgot how nice it can be to sit around silently with a bunch of people.   (Are you getting the "silent" theme here at all?  This is why I'm going to make a great hermit.)
• Remember the "charismatic" parish across the street I talked about last time?  I did go a few times, and I guess it is, in a way.  Well, except that there's an ornately gilt-framed baroque-looking painting of the Madonna and child over the altar area, and a silver crucifix behind the altar, where the Sacrament in reserve, along with a sanctuary lamp.  If that's "charismatic," I'm in.
  
  Here are some of those photos.  Nobody knows who the saint in the stained glass is; I'm thinking it's probably John, though.
  
  
  
  
  See?  They reserve the sacrament, along with a sanctuary lamp (minus actual sanctuary!):
  
  
  
  
  The crucifix:
  
  
  
  
  The Madonna and Child:
  
  
  
  
  A really nice processional cross!
  
  
  
• A lot of the music there is 7/11-style, though, it's true.  The Praise Song that replaces the Gloria goes something like this:  Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus; Free, free, free free.  We did get to sing "How Firm a Foundation" as the recessional one week, though.  The people are nice enough; there's no choir, though, and no EFM.
• The rumor is that this place used to be real slain-in-the-spirit-style, and that the Bishop assigned an interim priest with the instruction that she "reign it in" some.   I really don't see why that's necessary, I have to say; as long as they use the BCP, they should be able to do it however they want.  And the service is straight-ahead Prayer Book.  But maybe that wasn't always the case - and I guess the place could once have really been nuts.
• I feel more relaxed with the people at this place, in some ways.  But I enjoy Episcopalians of the more ordinary sort, too, and I appreciate them.  People like me - who know we're crazy and that we really can't get along very well without the spiritual life  - are less impressive, in some ways, than people who don't have the same issues.  I mean, it would be just as easy for them to stay away from church - but they see the beauty in it and come anyway.  That's pretty cool.  Or maybe they really do feel its necessity, and just know how to put on a good "well-adjusted" front?
• Again I feel I have much more to say, but can't seem to dig it out.  Meantime, this is what July was like in Alaska at the brown bear cam; these guys are looking for jumping salmon:

Ordinary Time thoughts

• I'm finished with my move now; the process itself was a disaster.   I seriously underestimated how much stuff there was to move (even though I thought the house was almost empty!).  And procrastination took its toll, too - so I ended up on the last day having to call the junk haulers and ended up tossing a bunch of stuff - including about a thousand books by my estimate.   Interestingly, I'm not sorry about the books (yet); they were all the books I'd ever bought, plus many others not mine.   I was just so tired by that time, though, that trying to pack them up seemed impossible.  I didn't have the time anyway.
• More to the point:  I have two Kindles.  And what good, really, is a paperback copy of Slaughterhouse-Five from 1973 with its cover half torn off?   But I did lose one nice cane chair and a few things from the china cabinet I probably should have saved.  And I saved some of the really oldest books - a leather-bound copy of Leaves of Grass for instance, and a few others like this.   And a few newer ones, too.
• Somehow, though, I still have massive numbers of boxes filled with - well, what?  Ancestral junk and stuff from earlier eras, mostly.   I have to go through it all.  I don't really love having things; in fact, every other time I've moved in my life it's been a snap, since I've never really owned much stuff - and mostly had a pretty light grip on whatever I did own.  It was easy to leave things behind.  
• Now, I'm trying to give the china and photos and toys and papers and stuff to all the nieces and nephews.  I do have a few nice pieces of old furniture, too, and will happily give that away as well.  Can't wait to be pared down to nothing again.
• 
  My tuxedo cat did die, just two nights ago.  He was 16-1/2, though, and that's a good life - and he hadn't been feeling well for awhile now anyway.  It's amazing that he lived that long, in fact, because he had a lot of problems:  a wild, crazy heart murmur for one.  His heart always sounded like it was jumping out of his chest, and beat in such a wacky pattern (if there was a pattern at all!) - but it was a really big heart.  He slept with me every night, and was sort of dog-like in following me around and staying with me.  I loved him and miss him - but fortunately I do have these other two critters right here, for comfort.
• I live sort of far out in the country now - but, amazingly, literally right across the street from an Episcopal Church.  A church that rings its bells at 9 a.m., noon, and 5p.m. daily, in fact - whereupon I say the Angelus.  Interestingly, this parish has been described to me as "charismatic" - so the Angelus thing is pretty bizarre.   I don't think they're doing it on purpose - but who knows?  I'll have to ask.
• Not to worry, either, since there are about 5 other Episcopal churches within an 8-mile radius or so; that's the way it is here in the northeast.  So if I'm not good with "charismatic" I can no doubt find something else.  But it's an interesting thought that I can tumble out of bed on Sunday morning and be at Divine Service in about a minute.
• My little cat just sits in the window and watches bird TV all day.  And every morning I go for a two-mile walk along old country roads with my dog.   It's all quite splendid.
• There's even a little marsh down the street, with all kinds of interesting flowers and grasses.  I'm quite happy here, actually - and ecstatic to be out of the other place.  I enjoy being a renter, and am thrilled at having a much smaller place.
• The osprey chicks are getting really big.
•  I have quite a bit more to say, I know - but somehow can't get it out right now.  So, till another time, then....

Moving....

Some thoughts:

• It's odd to spend weeks mentally compressing your own life (and the lives of your ancestors, whose junk you still have) down into a 10'x10'x9' storage compartment.
• I really hate tchotchkes - yet I feel the need to drag them around with me wherever I go, apparently.  (That's the "junk of ancestors" factor again.)
• Are hardcover books antiques yet?
• To me, almost nothing that came after the 40s is at all interesting or worth keeping.  But I think the 50s-through-the-70s is really "antique" now, and some of that stuff looks really old and interesting to younger people.
• (Don't get me wrong:  my favorite decade of all was the 70s.  But that's at least partly because everything was really cheesy then.)
• I found two 40s-era Flexible Flyers, my childhood toboggan (a Christmas gift I still remember seeing for the first time under the tree), and a red Sno Wing in the garage rafters.  It's definitely "Rosebud" around here right now.
• The thing I'm saddest about leaving/breaking up is my father's workbench.  It's just an old homemade piece of junk, but he sure loved working in that shop.  Everywhere I look in the house there's evidence of his handiwork:  shelves, refinished furniture, radiator and air-conditioner covers, etc.  There's this hilarious old wooden vice attached to the edge of the bench; I have to remember to take that.  And you should see some of the old tools!  
• I gave the rhubarb away to the neighbors; it's at least as old as I am, and maybe goes back even further, since I believe it came from my grandfather's garden.  He bought his house in I think 1920, so the plants could easily be 90 years old.  
• What in God's name should I do with my mother's wedding dress?  A garment, that is, worn exactly once, in 1942?  Maybe some great-granddaughter would like it....
• Paperback books?  Why?
• There are tintype photos here, too - definitely to be saved - but I have no idea who's in them.
• I have a very complicated schedule worked out now involving trucks and junk, and the exact dates and times I will use the trucks to throw the junk out.   I think of it as my just-in-time logistics operational guide.
• More later, no doubt.....

Early Eastertide thoughts

St. Thomas

• I've been attending a parish led by a very calm priest.  She always uses the Book of Common Prayer at the main Sunday services, and she uses it fully and deeply.   (As supplements at other times, she only uses the best stuff - Lesser Feasts and Fasts, the Book of Occasional Services, etc.)  She's like the Book of Common Prayer herself, I realized recently:  steady, consistent, substantial.  I suppose some people would find this boring, but to me it's the breath of life; my mind is always all over the place and I absolutely need "consistent and steady" to keep myself together mentally and emotionally - or to have any kind of stable life at all.  I would go off in all directions, given the choice; I'm very grateful that I'm not given the choice!
• I like Doubting Thomas.  I can never forget that he's the one who said, when the other disciples were worried about returning to Judea because Jesus had been attacked there previously, "Well, let's go and die with him, then."  He was a mensch.
• While I do like the High Holy Days during the Church Year, I think I actually prefer the insignificant, ordinary days and Sundays.  The regular ebb and flow of the year is just wonderful, to me.
• But Eastertide really is beautiful.  I like the season better than the day itself; it's so bright and crisp and clear.
• I realized today looking at my Twitter feed that religious people have so much more to talk about than those who aren't.  Lots of people are endlessly posting about the basketball owner and his racist comments, and tsk-tsking about it over and over again, as if there were anything of interest there, really.  The religious folks, on the other hand, are thinking about why it's important that the risen Christ still had his wounds - and talking about the Psalms and music they heard and sang today.  Some are posting just really gorgeous art from medieval manuscripts; some are talking about the baptisms at their parishes today (no Low Sunday for us!).  There are discussions about theology, ethics, history, art, music, literature, and so forth.   Maybe people put up one post about the basketball guy - but then it's on to better, realer, and more interesting stuff.   There's so much more going on.
• We really did have 7 (count 'em!) baptisms today at my parish.  Pretty great, for the Second Sunday of Easter.  Really beautiful, actually.  Lots of kids, lots of parents and godparents; lots of people receiving Communion (but not singing the hymns).   Just wonderful.  I like this hymn, which the choirmaster played today at a terrific clip!  Which is a great idea.
  
  
• Selling a house is quite a big, nerve-wracking deal at times, I must say.  I've now sold my house for the second time in as many months.  Don't ask.  And I'm still on tenterhooks waiting to see what will go wrong next.   
• So now I have to find an apartment that will take me and my animals.  I may try to rent a place on the coast somewhere - Maine, maybe? - for a year or so, or in the mountains or something.  I'm really looking forward to packing everything up - and hopefully throwing a huge portion of it out - and moving on.   It's my parents' house, so there is 59 years of amassed stuff here.  I kept finding layers of papers in storage:  boxes of stuff from the 80s were piled on boxes from the 70s, the 70s were piled on the 60s, the 60s piled on the 50s, and so on.  Once it's all final, it'll be a huge weight off my shoulders.
• But I'm really sorry I'll most likely have to leave that parish with the good priest.  Ideally, though:  the Book of Common Prayer should be a great asset in helping me find another steady, calm, consistent environment in which to keep myself centered and my spiritual life on track.  That's what it's for. 
• I don't care about the music, much, or about much of anything else, actually.  I just want them to do the liturgy.   Although I really like the Easter music we sing:  Matthais for the ordinary of the mass, and that terrific Fraction Anthem.
• I have to say that the Lent fast has really changed my tastes and food preferences.    I've come to like the vegan way of eating very much; I like and eat vegetables a lot more now, and have been finding some really great recipes.  And I'm finding the really rich foods much less palatable these days, too.  It's a lot easier to eat vegan-style (or at least vegetarian) these days than it once was, of course.  Unfortunately, I still tend to overdo it completely when I go off the fast, though, at least for the first week!  Trying to get back on a once-a-day eating schedule again - albeit one that'll be a lot less strict than the Lenten one.
• It's strange thinking about what the next phase of my life might be like.   It feels quite like the turning of a page at the moment.....

The Incredulity of St. Thoams - Caravaggio

Mid-Lent Thoughts

• I started out reading Julian's "Revelations of Divine Love," but then I totally screwed myself during the first week, for God's sake, by getting into a screaming match on a website (although I didn't start the argument).  This event intensely depressed me, and in fact immediately halted my prayer and reading disciplines in their tracks - and I do mean immediately.  I have only now just recovered from it, and feel able to pray and read again.  I must remember that I can't afford to do that any longer - anger is my worst sin, and I still fall prey to it although not as often these days - and especially not in penitential seasons.  I still always know how to make myself feel bad, and to screw up my own efforts, don't I?
  
  I wanted to do much more reading than I've done; I had tons of books lined up but haven't read any of them.  I just hope I can get more into prayer at this point.
  
• "The Last Temptation of Christ" is on Netflix now, and I watched it last night; I'd never seen it before, although I had always wanted to.  I love both Kazantzakis and Scorcese - and of course I love the subject matter.  It was very good, I have to say; a bit 70s in places, but there's nothing too wrong with that.   The Crucifixion scene was stunning, I thought - and reminded me that Christianity is really so very elemental in its concerns.   I liked that they had Jesus trying to figure everything out as he went; that was a great approach. 
  
  Interesting, too, that little disclaimer at the beginning:  "This story is not based on the Gospels."  Well, of course it was; clearly that was added so as to minimize the complaints.  I don't really remember anybody freaking out over it, either, whereas clearly they would be today; American society has gotten much weirder over the past 30 years or so.
  
• I've actually done the fast this year, all the way.  Most years I break it at some point; a friend has a St. Patrick's Day dinner every year, for one thing, and every year I break the fast at that dinner.  And I pay for it, both with intense gastric distress, and because it makes it much harder to get back in the fasting routine.  This year, though, I followed it all the way through; I went to the dinner, but only ate the stuff I was supposed to. 
  
  I ate fish on Annunciation (allowed - and it was just fantastic!), and have kept the fast (although occasionally eating before 4 p.m.) otherwise.  (People who've fasted for all these centuries really do know what they're doing; fish doesn't upset the routine at all, either physically or psychically.  And it's good to have that Annunciation break.)  I'm getting much better at vegan, and have actually advanced quite far beyond peanut butter and jelly now.
  
• I'm in the middle of selling my house now, and will be moving sometime in the next two months.  I have a hankering to move out to the desert to sing and pray and meditate; I want to become a hermit, living on the edge of the world.  I'd actually like to be part of a community of hermits, just the way the Desert Fathers and Mothers did in those early years.  My "moving to the desert" would probably not be literal, though; I just want a small place in an inexpensive area - someplace cheap - perhaps in upstate New York or even in Massachusetts or Maine.  I want to be in nature and to have silence.  (In reality I'd be OK with an urban community - you can have a bit of nature even in the city - but it's just too expensive to live in most cities today.)
  
  If anybody's interested in joining my little hermit community, just let me know.
  
• New York Polyphony is singing the mass at St. Thomas Church tomorrow.  I'm awfully tempted to go; it's a great mass, too:  John Sheppard's "Playnsong Mass for a Mene."  It's a Festal Eucharist, which probably means incense.  I think I'm talking myself into it.....
  
• Then it'll be Palm Sunday at St. Mary's - followed by Bach Vespers:  Schauet doch und sehet ("Behold and see, if there be any sorrow"),  BWV 46.  That's this one:
  
  
  
  
• I really do like this time of year.  It's still so cold here, though; there's still snow on the ground in places, if you can believe it.   And it's very cold at night - still down into the 20s.  My car still has a whole winter's worth of salt on it, because I refuse to pay $18 to get it washed - but I can't turn on the water yet, or use it, or else the whole street will get icy.
  
• My little tuxedo cat is dying; he's got a lymphoma, we think.  He's 16, so there's no real point in putting him through any treatment for that; I just give him some prednisolone (an anti-inflammatory) once a day, which has made him feel much better.  It makes him very  hungry, too - which was a good thing, because he's gotten so skinny; he's a shadow of his former self.  Still beautiful, though, with those deep green eyes, and still the sweetest cat who ever lived.  I'll miss him when he goes.
  
  
  
  
  
•  From the read-'em-and-weep department: "Nasa-funded study: industrial civilisation headed for 'irreversible collapse'?" 

Some Links

• Full Homely Divinity alert! A full page of links to delicious-looking articles at the new Anglican Resource. Included are the 1945 article by Michael Ramsey, "What Is Anglican Theology?"; Dom Robert Hale, OSB, writes on "The Benedictine Spirit in Anglicanism"; and there are several links to article about art and music: "Anglican Devotion - The Hymnal"; "'Complete in the Beauty of Holiness': Anglican Identity and Aesthetics"; and "'The High, the Deep, and the Domestic': Anglican Verse and the Voice of God's People."
  
  Haven't read 'em yet, but they look inviting. There are also a couple of book reviews, here. Actually, I think they've added quite a bit, and I'm still poking around to see what.


• Here's a newly-posted article by James Alison called Some thoughts on the Atonement. Some really interesting tying-together of Jewish temple liturgy and atonement theory.


• Via AKMA, a nice web-based reference: Etymology Online. If you want to help 'em out, expense-wise, you can Sponsor a Word!


• James Howard Kunstler brings you the Eyesore of the Month!


• Here's one of my favorite wacky-techie sites, Soda. Just click there to play.


• And here's a guy with way too much time on his hands: Superbad.com.